78 Impactful Facts About Chuck Norris

On March 10, 2017, Chuck Norris, the tough Walker, martial arts master, and all-around great guy, turned 77 years old (at least according to open sources, but some believe Chuck Norris is eternal). We’ve recalled the funniest and, in our opinion, most plausible “facts” about the actor, which, by the way, Chuck Norris has modestly neither confirmed nor denied.

Facts About Chuck Norris:

1. The Great Wall of China was built to protect against Chuck Norris. It didn’t help.
2. It’s known that Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. Genetics have nothing to do with it—he just ate the damn Native American.
3. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. But he’s so tough that he never cries. Ever.
4. Chuck Norris never sleeps. He waits.
5. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
6. After counting to infinity twice, Chuck Norris counted to negative infinity three times.
7. On the last page of the Guinness World Records book, in small print, it says that all possible world records belong to Chuck Norris, and the book simply lists the people who came closest to them.
8. Under Chuck Norris’s beard, there’s no chin. There’s another fist.
9. Chuck Norris could donate a twice-infinite sum of money to charities, but he fears it would break the global economy for 4,000 years.
10. A recent incident involved Chuck Norris crossing the road in the wrong place and accidentally knocking over three buses, a trolleybus, and five pedestrians.
11. Chuck Norris can pronounce “ъ” (hard sign) with his mouth closed.
12. One day, Chuck Norris stared at the sun for hours… the sun couldn’t take it and blinked.
13. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
14. Chuck Norris currently allows the universe to expand.
15. If Chuck Norris wanted, he could enter a black hole and come out again.
16. Time waits for no one. Except Chuck Norris, of course.
17. When Chuck Norris falls into water, he doesn’t get wet—the water becomes “Chuck Norris-ed.”
18. Scientists have determined that the energy released during the Big Bang is roughly equivalent to 1 CHNNKRT (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).
19. Chuck Norris always falls butter-side up.
20. When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.
21. Chuck Norris can dodge the wind. But the wind can never dodge Chuck Norris.
22. Once, Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.
23. If Chuck Norris could fight himself due to a time paradox, he would win. Period.
24. Chuck Norris confirmed that we are alone in the universe. Ever since he visited.
25. The Moon has many craters because Chuck Norris doesn’t like it.
26. Chuck Norris can perform a roundhouse kick in two different places simultaneously.
27. The eternal question: what came first—Chuck Norris or the roundhouse kick?
28. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who has beaten a wall at tennis.
29. As a child, Chuck Norris shot down a Nazi fighter plane by aiming at it with his finger and yelling, “BANG!”
30. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy; it’s a Chucktatorship.
31. Once, Chuck Norris ate a cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.
32. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. The Grim Reaper is just too scared to tell him.
33. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas serve the biggest sandwiches. Just order a “Big Chuck.”
34. Once, the Devil dreamed that Chuck Norris went to Hell. He woke up in a cold sweat and made the sign of the cross.
35. Once, Chuck Norris drank five liters of sleeping pills and then blinked twice.
36. Chuck Norris can hammer liquid nails.
37. Chuck Norris took a long time to learn to walk because every time he lifted his leg, he involuntarily performed a roundhouse kick.
38. The only way to know Chuck Norris’s age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
39. Scientists say that a giant meteor killed the dinosaurs. That’s true, if you call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
40. Once, while washing his face, Chuck Norris flooded Atlantis.
41. Only Chuck Norris can block a roundhouse kick with another roundhouse kick.
42. However, Chuck Norris did cry once in his life. On that fateful day, he kicked himself with a roundhouse kick.
43. The scariest horror movie consists of one frame and is called “Chuck Norris.”
44. Chuck Norris is the only one who can slam a revolving door.
45. Chuck Norris is 77 years old. During that time, he’s roughed up life quite a bit.
46. Chuck Norris doesn’t feel pain. Pain feels Chuck Norris.
47. Chuck Norris shaves his razor with his beard. Chuck Norris sharpens an axe when he shaves with it. Chuck Norris trims his nails with an angle grinder. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris himself.
48. When Chuck Norris donates blood, the needle can’t pierce his skin. So he always asks for a gun and a bucket.
49. Chuck Norris grinds coffee beans with his teeth and boils coffee in his mouth using only his anger.
50. Chuck Norris doesn’t just walk on the Earth—he rotates the planet on its orbit.
51. Chuck Norris speaks the language of karate and roundhouse kicks. So it’s naive to think that every time he kicks someone, he wants to kill them. Maybe Chuck Norris, when raising his leg, is just telling the person that the weather is nice today.
52. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial cleaner, and wood alcohol.
53. Chuck Norris doesn’t comb his hair. He just looks at it, and in fear, it untangles itself. That’s why Chuck Norris’s headphones never get tangled.
54. Chuck Norris loves turtle soup. That’s why he eats turtles with the shell.
55. Chuck Norris eats nails with kerosene for breakfast and a handful of diamonds for lunch.
56. One of Chuck Norris’s many hobbies is spitting down planes and UFOs flying over Area 51.
57. Bruce Khlebnikov can blow up and burst a hot water bottle. Chuck Norris can blow up and burst Bruce Khlebnikov.
58. Once, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his leg exceeded the speed of light, traveled back in time, and tilted the newly-built Leaning Tower of Pisa.
59. The story “Stone Soup” is based on true events, with Chuck Norris as the prototype for the soldier. The difference is, Chuck Norris ate the stone in the end, while the soldier did not.
60. Petrosyan is the only person who made Chuck Norris laugh and lived to tell the tale.
61. Chuck Norris can really fall through the earth. And he knows how to swim through it, too.
62. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can beat up his reflection in a mirror and win. He’s also the only person who can make faces at his reflection, and it won’t make faces back at him.
63. A typical living room has 1,200 items Chuck Norris can use to kill an enemy, including the room itself.
64. There are no weapons of mass destruction. There is only Chuck Norris.
65. The roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in at least 20 states.
66. Chuck Norris’s house has no doors—only walls that he walks through.
67. Chuck Norris never reads books. He interrogates them until they give him all the information he needs.
68. Chuck Norris uses a nightlight, not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
69. Chuck Norris is the only person who can send a roundhouse kick via email.
70. Chuck Norris never stops at a traffic light. Traffic lights fear him and instead of red, yellow, or green, they display Chuck Norris’s color.
71. Whoever writes Chuck Norris’s name with a lowercase letter or makes a mistake is in for immediate dea…[FATAL_ERROR_CLIENT_DISCONNECTED].
72. Chuck Norris is so cool that even turned-off TVs show him.
73. If a bear steps on a person’s ear, they lose their musical ear. If Chuck Norris steps on a person’s ear, they lose hearing, sight, voice, smell, touch, and the ability to think.
74. Many people love to wear Superman-themed costumes. Superman loves to wear a Chuck Norris costume.
75. Chuck Norris can chase two rabbits and catch four.
76. Chuck Norris often donates blood to the Red Cross. Not his own, of course.
77. The only thing Chuck Norris can’t do is boil soft-boiled eggs. Because everything he makes turns out too hard.
78. In the end, there will only be Chuck Norris.