Is self-confidence an innate trait, or can it be developed? And why do some people feel self-assured despite having many flaws, while others, with numerous virtues, feel extremely insecure in social settings?
In this article, we will explore these questions, as self-confidence directly influences the quality of our lives.
We will also provide 8 rules or tips to help you reconsider your understanding of this concept.
We hope that this article will be useful even for those who do not experience problems with self-confidence.
What is Self-Confidence?
From a psychological perspective, self-confidence is a personality trait that involves a positive assessment of one’s own skills, abilities, and capabilities, as well as an understanding that these are sufficient to achieve significant goals and meet all of one’s needs.
It is important to distinguish self-confidence from overconfidence.
Overconfidence is an unfounded belief in the absence of one’s own flaws and negative character traits, which inevitably leads to negative consequences. Therefore, when people describe someone as overconfident, they usually mean it in a negative sense.
So, overconfidence is bad, while self-confidence is not only good but necessary for a fulfilling life.
Researchers have found that the formation of self-confidence depends less on objective life success (such as social status or income level) and more on an individual’s positive evaluation of their own actions.
In other words, self-confidence is regulated not by external factors (though they can have some influence), but exclusively by our internal self-awareness. This is a crucial point to understand before working on self-esteem and self-confidence.
Internal Self-Awareness
Someone might say: how can I be confident if I can’t afford new shoes or clothes, let alone vacations abroad? How can I be confident if I was born into a poor family and couldn’t get a proper education?
While such questions may seem justified, these factors do not have a decisive influence on the presence or absence of self-confidence. There is ample evidence of this: many well-known and wealthy individuals, despite their apparent success, are extremely insecure and live in constant depression.
Conversely, there are many people who were born in very modest circumstances but whose self-confidence and worthy self-esteem are impressive and help them achieve great success in life.
The fact that your self-confidence depends solely on you is clearly illustrated by the example of a child who has just learned to walk. He knows that there are adults who walk on two legs, and he might have an older brother who has been walking for a while, but he himself has only crawled in his one year of life.
Now, it all depends on the child’s psychology. How quickly can he accept the fact that not only can he walk, but it’s also much more convenient, faster, and better in every way?
When the author’s brother learned to walk, he couldn’t accept this fact. If their mother held his hand, he would walk calmly. Then, their mother started giving him just one finger to hold, and he confidently walked while holding onto it. One day, instead of her finger, she put a small stick in his hand. The child, thinking it was his mother’s finger, started walking confidently and covered quite a distance. However, as soon as he noticed that his mother was far behind, he fell to the ground in fear.
Thus, the ability to walk was within him, and all necessary conditions were met. The only thing that prevented him from doing so was a lack of self-confidence.
1. Mindset
The first thing to understand is that self-confidence is a mindset. It is a kind of skill that can be developed if desired or, conversely, diminished.
You can learn more about what a skill is from the material “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”
Surely, you can think of classmates or acquaintances who were active and confident throughout school but grew up to be quite insecure and self-conscious. On the contrary, those who were modest and unsure of themselves grew up to be self-sufficient and confident.
In short, if you understand the simple idea that self-confidence is not an innate trait that you either have or don’t, but rather a dynamic quality that can and should be worked on, then you can move on to the next point.
2. All People Are Alike
Understanding that all people are similar to each other greatly contributes to developing healthy self-confidence.
For example, you go to your boss with a request, or you need to negotiate with an important person. You don’t know how your conversation will go, how successfully it will end, and what impression it will leave.
To avoid feeling undue insecurity and subsequently displaying incorrect behavior, try to imagine this person in everyday life. Picture them not in a formal suit but in worn-out home clothes, with messy hair instead of a perfect hairstyle, and smelling of garlic instead of expensive perfume.
Essentially, if we strip away all the facade that some people skillfully hide behind, we are all remarkably similar. And this important person sitting in front of you is likely just as anxious but is not showing it.
I remember a case when I had to speak with the CEO of a medical company. On the surface, he seemed very confident and behaved accordingly. However, since it was about an unpleasant incident, I noticed his hands trembling uncontrollably from anxiety, even though his face showed no signs of distress. When the situation was resolved, his hands stopped shaking. I observed this pattern in him more than once.
When I first saw that he was trying to hide his anxiety, I realized he was just as concerned about the outcome as I was. This gave me such confidence that I quickly adapted to the situation and was able to propose a solution that suited both parties.
I doubt I could have done this without the accidental realization that this CEO, heading a substantial company, was just as human as I am, with all the same weaknesses and flaws.
3. You Can Do It
Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius once said a brilliant phrase:
“If something is beyond your power, do not decide that it is beyond the power of any human being. But if something is within the power and proper for a man, assume that it is within your own reach.”
I must say, this phrase has inspired and supported me many times. Indeed, if someone else can do a particular task, why can’t I do the same?
For example, you come to a job interview as a candidate. Naturally, you feel anxious and somewhat uncertain since there are several other applicants for the position.
If you realize that anything the other candidates can do, you can do as well, you will gain the necessary self-confidence and demonstrate it during the interview. This will likely give you an advantage over other, less confident candidates.
It’s also worth remembering the words of one of the greatest inventors in history, Thomas Edison: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.”
4. Don’t Look for Blame
When discussing self-doubt, many people try to find external reasons for it. Typically, such individuals blame their parents for not fostering adequate self-esteem, their environment for its negative influence, and so on.
However, this is a colossal mistake. If you want to become a confident person, you must adopt the rule: never blame others for your failures.
Blaming others for your lack of confidence is not only pointless but also harmful. It contradicts the well-founded assertion that self-confidence is regulated not by external factors (though they can have some influence) but by our inner self-awareness.
Simply accept your current situation as a given and use it as a starting point for your development.
5. Don’t Make Excuses
This is also an extremely important rule for building self-confidence. Weak and insecure people often make excuses, which looks pathetic and ridiculous.
If you’ve made a mistake or a blunder (or even done something outright foolish), don’t try to cover it up with silly excuses. Admitting your mistake or failure is something only a strong and confident person can do. Moreover, according to the Pareto principle, only 20% of efforts yield 80% of the results.
As a simple test, remember the last time you were late for a meeting. If it was your fault, did you come up with excuses or not?
A confident person is more likely to simply apologize and admit that they were not entirely responsible, rather than concoct stories about accidents, broken alarms, and other unforeseen circumstances to justify their lateness.
6. Don’t Compare
This point is quite difficult to implement but no less important than the previous rules. The fact is, we constantly compare ourselves to others, often with negative consequences.
You should avoid comparing yourself to others, if only because most people skillfully play the role of successful and accomplished individuals. In reality, this is an illusion that many people voluntarily live in.
Social networks, where everyone appears happy and wealthy, are a prime example. It is especially disheartening when you know the actual circumstances of a person who creates a successful virtual persona.
Understanding this helps you realize the foolishness of comparing yourself to the fictional image of your friend or acquaintance.
7. Focus on the Positive
Everyone has friends and enemies—not necessarily in the literal sense. But there are definitely people who love and appreciate you, and those who don’t. This is a natural situation, but to build self-confidence, you need to focus your attention on those who value you.
For instance, if you’re speaking to an audience of 40 people, 20 of them are friendly towards you, and 20 are not.
If you focus on the 20 hostile individuals during your speech, you will likely feel discomfort and insecurity, with all the resulting consequences.
Conversely, looking into the eyes of those who are supportive, you will feel calm and confident, which will undoubtedly serve as strong support.
In other words, some people will always like you, and some will not. It’s up to you to decide whom to focus your attention on.
As Mark Twain said, “Avoid those who try to undermine your self-confidence. This trait is typical of small people. A great person, on the contrary, makes you feel that you can achieve a lot.”
8. Record Your Achievements
As the last point, I chose recording your achievements. Personally, I have never used this technique because I didn’t need to, but I have heard many times that it has helped many people.
The essence is quite simple: every day, write down your achievements in a separate notebook. Record the most significant achievements over a longer period on a separate sheet.
Then, regularly review these notes to remind yourself of your small and large victories, which will inevitably positively impact your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Conclusion
To become a confident person, you should follow these rules:
- Realize that self-confidence is a mindset, not an innate trait.
- Accept the fact that all people are similar, with all their weaknesses and flaws.
- Understand that if something is possible for a person and is inherent to them, it is also accessible to you.
- Do not blame anyone for your failures.
- Do not make excuses for mistakes but be able to acknowledge them.
- Do not compare yourself to others.
- Focus on those who value you.
- Record your achievements.